Each time I make a post like this I feel like I've only just done one. Recently I've been torn up over what my purpose in life is. I'm watching my sister be successful, plan a future family; she'll graduate university. I'm watching my friends plan good futures in current jobs or using impending degrees. As I'm currently not working nor in education, my mind constantly begs the question. What is going on in my life? What's my purpose? What mark do I want to make?
My best friend reminded me the other day that I don't sit at my laptop for hours a day, writing line after line, chapter after chapter, forming manuscripts, to wonder what my purpose is. Writing, I think, is my purpose. Whilst I have some technicality issues, I'm a good writer. In this current age of society, there's so much pressure on going out to work 40+ hours a week, maintaining a thriving social life as well as family life. That's the norm. Not for me. I thought it was. For a while it started to be.
I might not go to work for 40+ hours a week but I sit at my desk and I write for potentially more hours. I work towards each book goal, setting my own checkpoints. My purpose is to write books that will change people. My purpose is to create stories that make people feel more seen, a little less alone, to accept who they are no matter the fights they go through.
So where am I at with writing?
A few months ago, I didn't shut up about self-publishing. I talked about a book called SAVING PAIGES. I got a book cover draft, hired an editor, wrote like hell, and submitted the manuscript. I chose this because I needed something to happen for me in my life in the direction of my dream career. I wanted a book out in the world, no matter the means. I was naive, though. I largely underestimated how much work would be required to self-publish. After that first submission, I rewrote SAVING PAIGES, then I completely scrapped that storyline, came up with something new and called it WHO WE ARE. That also had to be tweaked. In January, I went to Ambleside, the home town of my main character in WHO WE ARE. I explored, I laughed, I felt peaceful. I found a new angle to tell the story from.
In February, on a whim, I queried an agent with another story. For the first time in five years of querying with different manuscripts, I got a full manuscript request. Except I hadn't expected anything to come of my querying--wrong. I wrote a 56,000 word story in two weeks, then edited, then submitted. Now, in April, after working on yet another manuscript, I think I'm ready to return to WHO WE ARE.
For me, each manuscript comes from a different headspace. WHO WE ARE was born from a bad headspace in regards to an old friend, then expanded into a healthier headspace. The story I submitted to the agent mentioned above came from another headspace. Trying to switch back is hard. It takes work; it means accepting going back into the past to reclaim where I was at that point, remembering why I wanted to write that particular story at that particular time. I'm not completely closing myself off to self-publishing; I want all the opportunities I can get. Traditional publishing is a hard industry to break into. You never know what agents specifically want; the market constantly changes, switching to appease a constantly-changing society. I'm still considering every angle but sometimes it comes down to this: after the past few months I've realised a lot of support isn't there where I thought it would be. People are quick to offer support when they don't have to do anything. When it involves them needing to pay money to buy my future book to give me that support, they disappear. It makes me feel audacious to even ask anyone to buy any book I may have in the future because when I've needed support these past few weeks/months, my friends are sparse.
I don't know where I'll go from here but I'll keep writing, keep believing, keep hoping that one day I'll have my own book in my hands.
Showing posts with label books. Show all posts
Showing posts with label books. Show all posts
Saturday, 6 April 2019
Tuesday, 24 April 2018
ALL THE CROOKED SAINTS (Non-Spoiler Review)
Title: All the Crooked Saints
Author: Maggie Stiefvater
Star Rating: 3* out of 5* (but bear with me; it's not a BAD story)
Would I recommend it?: Hesitantly.
Although this is a review that praises this story as well as points out it's strangeness, I can only give this book three stars purely because it had quite a slow start but this book was, by all means, not a bad book at all. It's the 12th Maggie Stiefvater book I've read, after loving all of her previous books.
All the Crooked Saints is The Most bizarre book I've ever read, with the most bizarre backstories and the most bizarre character interests, but with a very real and honest point to each story told. So entirely different from any of book she's written, Maggie Stiefvater seems to have taken a risk by writing this because it's so distanced from her usual stories (which is a good thing; I don't know why I say it like it isn't). Yes, it has hints of magic and the unusual; yes it has her love stories written like not love stories but love stories all the same; yes it has her cool way of describing family dynamics, but it was so utterly chaotic and somewhat lovable for it's bizarreness that I'm still unsure of my true feelings for it.
From the start to the first 100 pages, I struggled to read more than ten pages a day, wondering if I could actually finish this weird book. It didn't seem to promise much at the beginning, except a large cast of characters, that, at the time, seemed too much; I felt lost in the meaning. But then past page 100, the book suddenly gripped me (think Take on Me by A-Ha sort of gripping, with the hand through the page) and I couldn't put it down for another 150 pages, thus making me suffer with a crick in my shoulder that I'm complaining over now. Things got interesting. Whilst I still read 50% of the book thinking "what the hell?" and frowning, I became interested. That cast that seemed too full at the beginning became necessary and important. All those backstories? They actually have amazing meanings to them. And the base of the story, at it's core? Incredibly thought out. It was like finding gold buried beneath layers of sand, if only you dig long and hard enough. I felt like reading this book was a test: get through the weirdness to find what everything actually means. All the Crooked Saints is about learning lessons, about learning who you are, and I felt like it taught me a lesson.
Very clearly in the story there are two halves: there are the Saints, and there are the pilgrims. Whilst at first things seemed dull, the division became something intriguing. Despite living on the same ranch the two halves never spoke. Until they did. And danger brewed. For a Soria (the family in the book, very wonderfully reminiscent of the dynamic with the Sargents in TRC), to speak to a pilgrim means facing their own (even more terrible than ordinary) darkness, because that's what the pilgrims are trying to work through. Whatever they become after seeking a miracle, it seems to be what they fear. And what they fear is the thing they need to overcome to move on with their life; otherwise they're trapped, unmoving, not knowing where to go. That was a Big Deal to read--so very true, wrapped in the strange, surrounding context of the story. You have to face your fear so you can begin to live properly again.
Maggie Stiefvater has a way of making a smaller setting seem much grander, much more vast, and Bicho Raro, the place where the Soria's live, is no exception. It has all the vastness and endless possibilities found in Fox Way, in Monmouth, and so, in a distant way, All the Crooked Saints is like a unique mirror of TRC - with more characters, a thinner plot and book, but just as much otherworldliness and intrigue.
All the Crooked Saints was hard to get into, but once I did get into it, it was endless, infinite, beautiful, imaginative and asked me to read in between the lines--which I kind of feel like I have done. Then there are the three main Soria counsins of the "current generation" as such: Beatriz was interesting and lovable; Daniel was flawed and thoughtful, and Joaquin was just downright a classic Stiefvater creation. Each name and backstory and fleshed-out character had that special, unique Stiefvater brand, which was what won me over eventually. Consisting of many owls, miracles, trading darkness for light, butterfly dresses and a girl who can't stop crying and is constantly rained on, this book is one I'd hesitantly recommend.
If you want a book to challenge your focus and understanding as a reader, go ahead! Although some of the writing felt simple yet quirky, it was not a simple storyline, but one that asked to be looked into further beyond what was written. It's weirdness is what will make me remember this book in a good way; it's what will make this book stand out.
Sunday, 19 February 2017
Wing Jones (You Were Made to Fly)
This review includes spoilers of WING JONES.
Initially, I was looking at this book and wondering what it was about. The blurb intrigued me, as I think it has with many people, due to mention of Wing's grandmothers, one being from Ghana, the other from China. Just reading that alone sets the curiosity of What sort of girl will Wing be with those sort of backgrounds? What kind of household does she live in? As a person who loved and lost her grandma at age 11, I picked it up and wanted to know Wing's relationship with them, immediately, purely because they were mentioned on the back. It had to be important. I had to know why they got the first line for the hook of this story. I bought WING JONES the night Katherine Webber came to my city of Liverpool to do a book talk on strong, female characters in Waterstones and have not regretted anything, even bringing it beyond my other books to read which have been waiting for months for me to pick them up. I couldn't ignore the curiosity to read it.
Now, I got told it was like a less pretentious version of The Perks of Being A Wallflower and again, my attention was caught. That was a very special book to me too. But during the time I've been reading WING JONES, I've found that to be less true. I can certainly see why a lot of people think that but to me, both books are now important and give me a very different feel.
WING JONES is a book that makes you want to laugh hysterically and cry without care and hug your mum and fly. It makes you want to dig inside the deepest parts of yourself and find out what further things there may be in your mind and body that you can do. It makes me want to find my flight. As the younger sibling, I grew up looking up to my talented sister and I can certainly relate to Wing in that sense with her brother. Due to that, the accident that lands Marcus in hospital and his family in a very difficult and life-altering situation, pulls at my feelings. I keep wondering how I'd feel if that was my sister, the girl I'd idolized and loved and admired for her talents and everything she stood for, all shattered and doubtful. What if there was this whole other side to her that I didn't know or see, as Wing doesn't with her brother? It plays on her mind; it drags her down into a terrible negative place. And then Wing finds her wings. And she finds them at night, with nobody watching her but the moon and her dragon and lioness, and she runs. Something unlocks in Wing at her brother's accident and then it's an amazing amount of wonder pouring out of her as each foot hits the ground, speeding her up, her worries and life falling away and there's only the track and her own heartbeat and her freedom.
Even before these first chapters of seeing and experiencing Wing running and freeing her own potential by herself (which I find incredibly crucial), I was moved. Not in the awe-filled, breathless way that I am now, but by the terrible parts of the book. And by terrible I mean the bullying coming from every racist character in it, not that the writing is terrible. Because it's not. This book is a wonder-filled story and the only awful parts are realistic context. As a girl with a mixed-race background, Wing endures daily bullying at school for her hair, her eyes, her skin colour and especially by a nasty bitch called Heather Parker. The classic bully character that makes you want to claw at the pages to shut her up. Even down to Marcus's girlfriend's dad, there is racism towards the Jones' family and his disapproval of the relationship. There's a part where Marcus's own family is denied entry into his hospital room by a receptionist who eyes them with judgement, wondering how this Chinese mother could possibly be Marcus's family. But then Wing narrates, "The woman behind the desk purses her lips, stares at Granny Dee, stares at my mother. I step forward, the missing link. The thing that connects them," and every time Wing is in that situation, everything clicks with the people judging the family. WING JONES sees an incredible, unique family that have to work together to pull through and stay strong throughout the accident. With Granny Dee from Ghana and the no-nonsense grandmother and LaoLao from China and the softer grandmother, Wing has two different and helpful role models that all try to find their ways to help what's happened. There was a part where Granny Dee gets upset and obsessive and makes a batch of apple pies for the family that was also affected in the accident and that whole chapter made me cry my eyes out in coffee shop and clutch the book tightly because of how much it hurt to see them hurting. LaoLao, too-old-to-work LaoLao, goes to help out Wing's mother in a restaurant to bring in more funding for the family that barely has anything due to hospital bills and trying to live. They all do their part in surviving the mess they're in.
Wing makes herself small in school, just seeing herself as everyone else sees her: the little sister of Marcus Jones, the football team's loved quarterback. And when Marcus kills a woman in a car accident whilst driving under alcohol influence, her school life gets worse. She's shunned, she's yelled at, hurt, and every blame that people can't throw at Marcus, Wing gets. Even for going to school each day and enduring that, Wing is an incredibly strong female protagonist, an inspirational lead for this story. But then she finds her inner strength and running becomes the thing that makes everything better, that makes the comments and the hate and the nastiness of bullies fall right off her. She finds her power and importance. Wing finds herself on the track, in old Converse shoes, and her brother's oversized jersey.
But not only does running do wonders for her self-confidence and pride in herself, she then starts getting attention from the track team in her school, with the help and encouragement of her friend (and love-interest) Aaron, Marcus's best friend. Wing befriends Eliza, the school's most adored runner, and she starts getting invited to parties and to be around the entire team that belong there. Where I'm currently up to, Wing has just won her first race and smashed the school record and it's on her birthday. There's no father to watch her proudly, no big brother to see just how good she is at running and has found her own place in the world, but she has her mother and grandmothers to watch her, cheer for her. She has friends on the team, and Aaron. Through running, her and Aaron become closer and she stops seeing herself as he'd see her (again, as just the little sister) but starts believing she could be worthy of also being Aaron's crush as he is hers.
WING JONES is a book that's become so very important to me. Earlier this week, I sat in a park that held memories for me and contemplated the chapter I'd just read and then walked around the path that circled a play area for three hours, wondering if I could capture even a hint of the freedom Wing feels when she runs. I'm far from athletic; I enjoy dancing and think I could be better at it, but this book makes me want to run and fly and see if I can find what Wing does: my own importance and place.
I think that Katherine Webber is a very important woman to write such a novel that's touched me so deeply and so full of every kind of emotion and I've not even come to the end yet. Her words and creation of her story makes the world beyond it slip away for me and I love that I've found this feeling within her book. With her imagination and talent, Katherine has made me want to think better of myself and of my achievements and that even a small amount of progress stands for something. That there's always an unlocking in order to feel free and wonderful and like you can take on the world. It's always there, whether it's on the surface and easy to know and detect, or whether you have to experience one of the hardest things in the world, to fall into a pit of darkness and feeling so small that you delve into the lowest, hardest layers of yourself to find what it is you truly are.
Wing Jones--both the book and the character--is an inspiration. It's a book I want to read a million times over and know I'll still feel breathless and inspired.
Initially, I was looking at this book and wondering what it was about. The blurb intrigued me, as I think it has with many people, due to mention of Wing's grandmothers, one being from Ghana, the other from China. Just reading that alone sets the curiosity of What sort of girl will Wing be with those sort of backgrounds? What kind of household does she live in? As a person who loved and lost her grandma at age 11, I picked it up and wanted to know Wing's relationship with them, immediately, purely because they were mentioned on the back. It had to be important. I had to know why they got the first line for the hook of this story. I bought WING JONES the night Katherine Webber came to my city of Liverpool to do a book talk on strong, female characters in Waterstones and have not regretted anything, even bringing it beyond my other books to read which have been waiting for months for me to pick them up. I couldn't ignore the curiosity to read it.
Now, I got told it was like a less pretentious version of The Perks of Being A Wallflower and again, my attention was caught. That was a very special book to me too. But during the time I've been reading WING JONES, I've found that to be less true. I can certainly see why a lot of people think that but to me, both books are now important and give me a very different feel.
WING JONES is a book that makes you want to laugh hysterically and cry without care and hug your mum and fly. It makes you want to dig inside the deepest parts of yourself and find out what further things there may be in your mind and body that you can do. It makes me want to find my flight. As the younger sibling, I grew up looking up to my talented sister and I can certainly relate to Wing in that sense with her brother. Due to that, the accident that lands Marcus in hospital and his family in a very difficult and life-altering situation, pulls at my feelings. I keep wondering how I'd feel if that was my sister, the girl I'd idolized and loved and admired for her talents and everything she stood for, all shattered and doubtful. What if there was this whole other side to her that I didn't know or see, as Wing doesn't with her brother? It plays on her mind; it drags her down into a terrible negative place. And then Wing finds her wings. And she finds them at night, with nobody watching her but the moon and her dragon and lioness, and she runs. Something unlocks in Wing at her brother's accident and then it's an amazing amount of wonder pouring out of her as each foot hits the ground, speeding her up, her worries and life falling away and there's only the track and her own heartbeat and her freedom.
Even before these first chapters of seeing and experiencing Wing running and freeing her own potential by herself (which I find incredibly crucial), I was moved. Not in the awe-filled, breathless way that I am now, but by the terrible parts of the book. And by terrible I mean the bullying coming from every racist character in it, not that the writing is terrible. Because it's not. This book is a wonder-filled story and the only awful parts are realistic context. As a girl with a mixed-race background, Wing endures daily bullying at school for her hair, her eyes, her skin colour and especially by a nasty bitch called Heather Parker. The classic bully character that makes you want to claw at the pages to shut her up. Even down to Marcus's girlfriend's dad, there is racism towards the Jones' family and his disapproval of the relationship. There's a part where Marcus's own family is denied entry into his hospital room by a receptionist who eyes them with judgement, wondering how this Chinese mother could possibly be Marcus's family. But then Wing narrates, "The woman behind the desk purses her lips, stares at Granny Dee, stares at my mother. I step forward, the missing link. The thing that connects them," and every time Wing is in that situation, everything clicks with the people judging the family. WING JONES sees an incredible, unique family that have to work together to pull through and stay strong throughout the accident. With Granny Dee from Ghana and the no-nonsense grandmother and LaoLao from China and the softer grandmother, Wing has two different and helpful role models that all try to find their ways to help what's happened. There was a part where Granny Dee gets upset and obsessive and makes a batch of apple pies for the family that was also affected in the accident and that whole chapter made me cry my eyes out in coffee shop and clutch the book tightly because of how much it hurt to see them hurting. LaoLao, too-old-to-work LaoLao, goes to help out Wing's mother in a restaurant to bring in more funding for the family that barely has anything due to hospital bills and trying to live. They all do their part in surviving the mess they're in.
Wing makes herself small in school, just seeing herself as everyone else sees her: the little sister of Marcus Jones, the football team's loved quarterback. And when Marcus kills a woman in a car accident whilst driving under alcohol influence, her school life gets worse. She's shunned, she's yelled at, hurt, and every blame that people can't throw at Marcus, Wing gets. Even for going to school each day and enduring that, Wing is an incredibly strong female protagonist, an inspirational lead for this story. But then she finds her inner strength and running becomes the thing that makes everything better, that makes the comments and the hate and the nastiness of bullies fall right off her. She finds her power and importance. Wing finds herself on the track, in old Converse shoes, and her brother's oversized jersey.
But not only does running do wonders for her self-confidence and pride in herself, she then starts getting attention from the track team in her school, with the help and encouragement of her friend (and love-interest) Aaron, Marcus's best friend. Wing befriends Eliza, the school's most adored runner, and she starts getting invited to parties and to be around the entire team that belong there. Where I'm currently up to, Wing has just won her first race and smashed the school record and it's on her birthday. There's no father to watch her proudly, no big brother to see just how good she is at running and has found her own place in the world, but she has her mother and grandmothers to watch her, cheer for her. She has friends on the team, and Aaron. Through running, her and Aaron become closer and she stops seeing herself as he'd see her (again, as just the little sister) but starts believing she could be worthy of also being Aaron's crush as he is hers.
WING JONES is a book that's become so very important to me. Earlier this week, I sat in a park that held memories for me and contemplated the chapter I'd just read and then walked around the path that circled a play area for three hours, wondering if I could capture even a hint of the freedom Wing feels when she runs. I'm far from athletic; I enjoy dancing and think I could be better at it, but this book makes me want to run and fly and see if I can find what Wing does: my own importance and place.
I think that Katherine Webber is a very important woman to write such a novel that's touched me so deeply and so full of every kind of emotion and I've not even come to the end yet. Her words and creation of her story makes the world beyond it slip away for me and I love that I've found this feeling within her book. With her imagination and talent, Katherine has made me want to think better of myself and of my achievements and that even a small amount of progress stands for something. That there's always an unlocking in order to feel free and wonderful and like you can take on the world. It's always there, whether it's on the surface and easy to know and detect, or whether you have to experience one of the hardest things in the world, to fall into a pit of darkness and feeling so small that you delve into the lowest, hardest layers of yourself to find what it is you truly are.
Wing Jones--both the book and the character--is an inspiration. It's a book I want to read a million times over and know I'll still feel breathless and inspired.
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