How Inej Ghafa Inspired Me.

Over the past year, I've experienced a life-altering lack of energy, motivation and good health. This was concerning--I was never much of a complainer Before, but throughout the past year, I felt as though I needed to outwardly express the pain I was in. It seemed everything constantly hurt: my head, my stomach, my ribs, my limbs. There were days where it was hard to get up because I had the feeling of a rock taking up residence on my entire body. My legs would feel like lead, or, other days, feel like jelly and I'd simply fall. As a very active child but one that lost their activeness as they grew to be a teenager, many people passed my leg aches off as that.

However, very early January last year changed everything for me, medically. My entire wellbeing seemed to go downhill. I had to cancel plans, leave half-eaten meals and waste so much due to my stomach aches, or as I put it, a full feeling after only a few bites. As well as the claims of me losing my activity as a child, I endured the brush-offs of "it's all in your head, of course you're hungry." But I wasn't. Eventually, this became a concern. Previously, all I'd done was eat. My weight had gone up to an uncomfortable place and I had a massive discontent with my body image, even more so than usual. Many times, I'd been called a "bottomless pit" when it came to food. So throughout those early months of 2016 when my problems began, even for me, feeling full so quickly was strange.

Fast-forward a few agonizing months of being told it was all in my head, of being called lazy or being told I was losing interest in my education on the days I physically couldn't move from my pains to go to college. After many, many blood tests (that were coming back clear after a few fainting episodes) one finally displayed something. I was diagnosed with a Vitamin D deficiency, the thing causing my leg pains and constant tiredness and lack of energy. Thankfully, (actually, very unfortunately, for her) , my cousin also had the same condition and could relate and sort-of vouch for me with my seemingly still unconvinced mum. It felt nice to be able to confide in someone just how bad I was feeling, how much I cried at night and early mornings, when I was exhausted and couldn't get a peaceful sleep because of the pain, when my sleeping pattern was falling apart. It felt nice to receive understanding off her, instead of pity off my mum, who didn't know what to do, I don't think, apart from do everything the doctors were recommending. As a pale-skinned person naturally, it was no surprise, really. I'd never really been the biggest fan of foods containing that, either. But still, I hadn't realised just how much a problem it would cause me until everything slowly clicked into place.

Except one thing. The diagnosis didn't have anything to do with the hell going on in my stomach and entire abdomen area. I was--and still am--constantly in pain, sometimes not even able to stand straight. Still, I made an effort and tried my best to carry on, get to that June point where I could finish my college course and have a summer trying to figure out what the hell was wrong with me, and how I could fix it myself when no doctor seemed to have an answer.

Now on vitamins for my deficiency, I was still in considerable pain, but it was manageable. During the summer months, I endured many--and horrific, sometimes--tests and scans and so many medical appointments to get to the bottom of my mysterious eating issue, my complaints and symptoms. I got very stressed about it, very nervous. I was enduring so much and keeping myself awake at night worrying because eventually, my doctor decided he would stop looking into the physical side.

Early September, I came home from a holiday where I'd been on a vitamin withdrawal and had suffered a few faint feelings and uncertainty within my wellbeing. Also, as a person who was quite partial to a few coffees a day, being in a hot country without coffee had quite the effect on my body. So, I came home and found a letter that had disappointment flooding me. A referral to an eating disorder clinic was written clearly. Angry, because I was very convinced that was not the issue, I slipped it between some other letters for other medical appointments, but not without angrily muttering about it to my mum. I think deep down she, and my other family members, thought the same. But I knew it wasn't that. I'd read up on those and I didn't feel that sort of way. My mum let me cancel the appointment, something I was admittedly surprised at because of how convinced I was that she thought that was the problem. Instead, I attended another appointment because finally, something, something had shown up.

A couple of weeks ago, I visited a specialist who was able to give me a diagnosis, after almost a year of my pain and "drastic" weight loss. I'm now on another journey to fully treat that, but that doesn't mean I'm constantly paranoid of what I'm eating, how I'm feeling. I go to work, in pain, and try to walk it off as I can in my workplace. I don't go out to eat with my family as much as I used to and I still don't eat as much as I probably should, but there's some progression.

Some days, I wake up and feel faint. On these days, I get crippled with pains, over and over, and for 90% of the day, I feel disgustingly full despite not eating anything. It's very disconcerting to feel like this, as someone who has lived their life with a very good appetite.

On these days, I feel like I want to not exist, because if that happened, I wouldn't have to feel like I'm not in control of my own body and feelings. But I read a book last year: Six of Crows, by Leigh Bardugo. I was immediately attracted to Inej's character, The Wraith. Her story enticed me, as I know it's enticed many. But apart from just being a character I was flawlessly taken captive by, I found inspiration in Inej.

I found such, such inspiration in the chapter where Inej suffers a wound to her side just before the crew board the boat to get to the Ice Court. Even as she endures such pain, she keeps on going, keeps on dragging herself up each crate, still forces each breath, in and out. Inej keeps on trying, even when she feels like hell, like literally dying. She knows how easily it would be to close her eyes and let darkness close in, but she doesn't. The Wraith keeps going, not just because she's indentured and is needed for this mission, but she keeps going for herself.

Throughout the book, and it's predecessor, Crooked Kingdom, Inej overcomes every little and big thing thrown at her. When she was captured in Van Eck's clutches and didn't eat a great deal, she felt faint. But she didn't succumb to that, or let it hinder her. She still found a way to crawl through a grate and tried to find freedom. She still stayed so strong. It's those times that Inej shines from these pages and I remember how much willpower and the need to be stronger than those feelings drives her. It's those times I take inspiration from to go on. Each day at work, when my legs feel so aching I want to collapse, I remember Inej's strength and determination and push myself to keep going. It's because of this wonderful, overcoming character that I can get a bus to work each morning, in pain, and chant to myself that I control my body, not let it control me. Inej's strength after her capture gets me up in the morning--she barely rested properly before she was out doing her thing again. It's her that makes me want to be a more determined person to beat both my medical setbacks. Whether I can or can't, I still try.

I try because of people like Inej Ghafa, who may be a fictional character, but stands for real people who do overcome those things daily. She represents people who have suffered terrible things but still wake up and be a better person for themselves each day. Inej always thought of the crew whenever she had to pep-talk herself to go on, thought of her family, but in the end, she was still doing it for herself, to prove to herself that she was strong.

Inej has her ways to go on and I always try to search for my tether, each day at work, when I look at the clock and realise my shift ended ten minutes ago but I want to stay on. I know what the voice in my head is when I think I'm about to fail, or I do. I know what drives me when I can't have the mentality to bring up Inej's strength. In work, I push myself on, surge forward on waves of determination to not be weak or fail. There, I need to do my best, prove I can work despite my pain. Even when I'm feeling less-than-strong, I still brace myself before running upstairs to get another item in the warehouse because I feel that I always have to be ever-quick; I still summon every inch of strength before picking up a heavier item because there's a constant reminder that I can be better inside my head. I think reading Inej's story helped me to realise that: she always found ways to go on, and so I want to take inspiration from her strength.

When I thanked Leigh Bardugo for writing such a duology and creating these characters that I adore, I didn't just mean my thanks for letting me enjoy Ketterdam and the Dregs. I was thanking her for the inspiration that fills me whenever I think about Inej Ghafa. I was thanking her for making me realise that I can work past this, mentally, and still try. I was thanking her for letting her characters stand up and change people's lives, like mine.

Something in that story touched me deeply and has made me realise that everyone has a driving force; it's just a case of catching that voice and what it's saying at the time.

Night Owls (A Love Sprayed in Gold)

Somewhere along the lines of my personality, it was decided that if I was going to be a good writer (the good is debatable, I suppose, depending who you speak to), I couldn't be a good visual artist. My drawing skills are none, un-honed, unpracticed. I never had the patience to build on it, selfishly hoping that the skill I'd always wondered at would magically bless me.

It never, obviously.

But through my frustration at not practicing art early, at not being able to have that talent (because who can ever have everything?), I kept a mad admiration for art. If any of my friends showed me their own artwork, I'd love it immediately. I have a great appreciation for art and galleries and even the quickest of sketches. So when I saw, "A Love Sprayed in Gold," on the back cover of Night Owls, I was instantly curious. Despite the line intriguing me, I was a little hesitant. I was still only getting into contemporary properly.

Two days later, I closed the book, completely finished and slightly breathless at the story I'd just read. My mind was so full of the emotions and situations I'd just read. Whilst I'd had no previous interest in Beatrix's chosen subject of study, the concept of that creating part of her character made me feel piqued. Such a gruesome and beautiful study of bodies was depicted through her story. Again, through art.

Night Owls is the story of a "rebel" spray-painter expressing himself, expressing his heart-wrenching devotion to his sister, meeting a girl who examines and sketches dead bodies on a late-night bus. But art isn't the only side to this story.

So many intricate and raw parts make up this story. Both Beatrix and Jack have less-than-perfect families and, especially by Beatrix's story, I was touched deeply. At the time I read this book, I was still filled with guilt over a decision I'd made months earlier and caused a lot of pain for somebody I loved through that. It was exactly the same choice Beatrix made. In my situation, I never felt as though I could truly be forgiven for what I had done in my own life, regarding my own feelings and decisions. I related to Beatrix and a lot of her narration within that broken family part of her life. Safe to say, I went through a lot of tissues. At times, seeing Beatrix's mother's reaction (quite similar to what I went through) I felt indescribably guilty, wondering if this was an insight on the depth of my own mother's. I was half-tempted to ask my mum to read the book... but thought better of it, knowing she couldn't truly appreciate the story and get past certain parts. But then I realized what Beatrix and I had in common: we were both merely curious to find a part of our lives we'd felt missing and wanted to fill it with our own views. We wanted to stop being fed the information from others and find out ourselves. I feel as though in the end, Beatrix got a better result from her seeking than I did, and I'm truly happy for that outcome. She was an anxious, strong person that deserved the happiness with her art, her family and love.

Jack. Jack was a character who tugged at my heart, and not in the usual book-boyfriend-potential way. To me, Jack was a boy who glanced up from the pages of Night Owls and when I saw him, I felt as though his eyes were saying, "Understand me. Listen to me. Know why I have spray cans in my bag. Don't judge me--just follow me and see why I do this. Let me tell you my story." So I did. I followed Jack eagerly and felt deeply. His inner whirlwind of emotions and anger but happiness and love for Beatrix and his sister intertwining had me gasping and sniffling at more points than one. Jack's story and cover-ups and expression is truly a thing to behold and I encourage anyone to read this story.

This isn't an average teen rebellion story, nor is it a heart-wrecking love story. It is heart-wrecking, but it is the beauty of a storm encased in pages. This book will make you feel and want to love and want to be free and make those bad decisions and know that forgiveness can be granted.

Reading Beatrix's story with her parents finally allowed me the personal journey of starting to forgive myself, to perhaps look past the forgiveness and feelings my own close-ones had felt at my (as it was seen) betrayal. I'm nearly in tears writing this, remembering this, because these feelings aren't just ones to disappear. But this is Beatrix's and Jack's story--I can only state how I related.

Through their own loves in life, the two found their happiness amidst a tornado of pretenses and deceit and lies. Jack's entire public life was a great big story that wasn't true and he had to let people believe it to protect his family. Until Beatrix came along, and she inspired the trust within him to release the truth and finally take somebody to share his sister's wonderful personality, the words she picked, that he spray-painted for her.

On the surface, before the book delves into its depths, Jack just seems like a teenager who wants to vandalize randomly. But another realization this book gave me: that things have reasons and sometimes they're worth waiting for. Whilst his methods may not have been the most legal or admirable by many, Jack's devotion to his cause is something he strives off and I have the utmost respect for him.

Even Beatrix overcomes so many things to get her artwork shown and displayed--and rightfully so. She had people there who cared for her work, even if it wasn't wholly. There was a shred, and then some by those who truly cared, of support and that was so encouraging. She showed the people who disapproved of her interests or doubted her what she could do, and completely, utterly pulled it off.

The narration and setting was just another thing to entirely make up the story, an important part that fit so well. If the setting isn't right, it throws the entire mood from the book and what it's trying to tell a reader. I may have received different messages to the intended one, but I still gained a great deal from reading Night Owls and will always return to that book, over and over.

Even now, it's been a while since I've opened it but it stays in my mind, reassuring me and reminding me that things aren't what they seem and moving on is out there; it has to be earned, but it's out there. Thank you to Jenn Bennett for sharing these incredible character's stories with me and being an inspiration to my own experiences. Thank you for writing this wonder of a book.

Setting: Fictional vs. Reality

As a writer, I make up my own times for my story to start. I make the world my characters live in and only use real-life seasons as a guide to show time passing. I prefer to make my own cities or kingdoms or countries; I like to discover them and what they do/how they rule and look/what religions they follow. Most importantly, I like to create their rulers.

In fantasy, my chosen genre of writing (mostly), the position of a monarch is important so I plan this a lot. What they say goes in my made-up world. For example, in my first fantasy story, The Huntress's Curse (hello, Terrin, I'll return to you one day!), my monarch was a king, closely followed by a ruthless queen. They ruled over Ayla, deciding that their view on hunters was final and to be eliminated from their kingdom. Originally, Ayla was called Glyndwr--a prospering trading kingdom that wasn't flamboyantly rich, but wasn't in poverty, either. It consisted of Port Side, and Woods Side. Any lucky (although probably unlucky) hunters still surviving and escaping the king's "death upon sight" rule, lived purely in the woods. Any hunters that still had alliances with the favoured citizens of Glyndwr got their supplies sneakily through them. Most often, these arrangements fell through and... Well, not a good ending for either side of the arrangement.

But mostly, in Glyndwr, the villagers and the hunters lived in peace. Whilst the villagers respected their king, they didn't always agree with his views on the hunting race. So a lot of the Glyndwran villagers made a deal with the hunters: they could freely buy things from their stores (or provide any sort of help required) as long as they didn't get caught, as long as the hunters never hunted in their village. Because in Glyndwr, not all hunters hunted animals. Terrin, the protagonist, for one, didn't always hunt animals. But that's her story. For now, this post is about Glyndwr's story and how I had to change it. So the deal stayed strong; the hunters never killed anyone or anything, instead finding their enemies and prey elsewhere, and continued to get their help from the purposefully ignorant villagers.

The hunters in Glyndwr lived in the woods, as I mentioned. Illeyal Woods was the barrier between Glyndwr and it's neighbouring kingdom with whom they had a loyal and fierce alliance with: Ayla. Now, Ayla was a disgustingly rich kingdom who's ruling duo liked to marry off their children as soon as possible. Their youngest and last child, a daughter named Ariadne, was their final bargaining chip, as they saw their children. So they arranged a marriage for her with the Crown Prince of Glyndwr. I liked Ayla as a pompous alternative to Glyndwr. Here, I don't mind spoiling a what becomes a bigger character because I had to scrap this story completely. In Ayla, Ariadne is shown saddened to be leaving her home, forced into this arrangement she doesn't want. It seems she's been tricked and persuaded into going to Glyndwr and has been swayed to be okay with it, through all the promises of becoming a future queen. All Ariadne wants to do is paint and discover more art, despite living in a personal solitary from watching her brothers and sisters leave her.

BUT, through the second book (this idea was a planned trilogy), Ariadne's character develops far from the lonely, woe-is-me princess of Ayla, and becomes a determined queen who thunders ahead and has her eyes on the only prize she wants: not her betrothed, but the crown itself. Thus, this makes Glyndwr's future a soft-hearted prince who wants to do right by everyone and a steel-hearted princess as his bride.

Now, here comes to present-day part.

My major fault in this extensive planning and writing that took almost two years? Glyndwr. The name. I read up about it and discovered its origins was far from what I wanted it to stand for in my story and it wasn't original at all. But through this realisation, I'd already started querying my first book to agents. This got me nowhere. So, with my changing of Glyndwr came the changing of the whole story. I rewrote, as I mentioned, but continued my original world.

Glyndwr became Ayla-- a different Ayla to the one I'd already created. Ayla became a larger place, a growing empire of sorts, and I developed my new fictional place to something I was finally comfortable with. I changed its rulers and colours, made it something completely new to base my newly redrafted story in.

The whole point of this lengthy, probably unnecessary post? I prefer the freedom of creating my own worlds, as opposed to finding an existing place and using their culture and ways for my stories. I like to make my own rules for these settings, and using real places gives me boundaries for that. I love, love, LOVE, reading about stories set in existing cultures, where it's obvious that the inspiration has come from a certain place, but for me as a writer, it doesn't work. For me as a reader, yes, yay, well done.

A quick list of my favourite books set fictionally but based on existing cultures and places:

Shadow and Bones (series) - Leigh Bardugo
Soundless - Richelle Mead
Daughter of Smoke and Bone (series) - Laini Taylor
The Raven Boys (series) - Maggie Stiefvater

Even then, these stories differ in their basis. Leigh Bardugo seems to use Russian culture and language and words and names in her books, but Ravka is a made-up place only using these ways to be formed.

Daughter of Smoke and Bone is actually set in Prague (mostly), in the human realm, and I love this setting. It seriously makes me want to travel there and see the wonders described in the book for myself.

Through these type of books, I feel like I can experience the culture in a secondhand way. They encourage me to learn more about the places they're either set in, or based off. I've never wanted to travel so much as when I read these types of books.


Right, lengthy post ALMOST over!

I probably went too overboard with this blog, but I'm writing a post on my laptop for the first time (I usually blog from my phone) and I tend to get carried away, but I wanted the chance to go back and explore parts of my own little world I created. Please excuse the tour I gave (unless you liked it) and I'm actually off to work on a book review for Eleanor and Park, which is the best excuse to reread one of my favourite contemporary books and fanboy over it in the form of a review!

Writing and Personal Experiences.

Currently Listening to NalinA by Block B.
Currently Reading: Snow Like Ashes by Sara Raasch.

I wanted to write a post on where writing comes from. The ideas writers generate; the characters they create, feelings they go through; the stories themselves. It's a question I'm asked a lot by my mum: "But where did you get your entire story idea from?" At first, I thought she was asking because I was telling her about my original manuscript, long in its own way, and it had stemmed from a one-sentence idea.

Then I considered that she could be asking because I write fantasy. I do not live in a world of palaces and magic and hunters, as my protagonist does. When I was younger, my sister told me that a person can only write from personal experience. At the time, I was reading the TWILIGHT series and got confused; I highly doubted Stephanie Meyer had met vampires and wolves. Ever since, her comment has stayed with me throughout any piece of writing and I think about it far too much.

Do I agree? Yes. Do I disagree? Yes. The main events of a book may not be based on reality, but the feelings and relationships may be. To give an existing example, Leigh Bardugo's SHADOW AND BONE: as much an amazing writer and woman she is, I'm pretty sure Leigh has never experienced light shooting out of her palms to manifest scientifically into something magical, as her protagonist does. (If you have, Leigh, please correct me and also, discuss because this would be very cool and envious if you had Alina's powers ;) )  But Alina falls in love; Alina makes friends and she feels. Whilst Leigh, as the writer, has never experienced the immense magical elements of the story, she has most certainly felt. In that sense, her story has been written on personal influence. And I feel strange using those examples, so I'm going to take it to my own story.

In my story, my protagonist has a brother; she has a best friend and she has a family she is still searching for. Terrin feels a lot and I'm using some of me for my story. When I say that, I mean that I'm using past sibling spats to gain more character development in the main sibling relationship. Similarly, the view point the sibling tales come from is the youngest and the character has an elder sister, as I do. So whilst I can't hunt, nor do I get a Royal summons from any kings or heirs, I feel, as I make my character feel. I watch people around me, talking, moving, and I use it all as inspiration. I dream and take colours and sensations from my dreams.

So, going back to my sister's comment, "People can only write from personal experience", I would argue that the basis of characters are written from personal influence, but the main story (especially in fantasy) may not be.

One thing I do love, including personal experience, though is when a writer's travels seeps into their writing. Laini Taylor seems to have travelled so much, and I adored how much culture she includes and details in her DAUGHTER OF SMOKE AND BONE trilogy. Again, personal experience, but again, I don't think she has encountered people like Akiva, one of her protagonists. In the barest sense of Akiva being human and able to feel, yes, but his magical elements, no. If she has, I am infinitely jealous and would greatly appreciate the directions on where to find such people.

But that's just fantasy books. They're meant to be fiction in the highest sense of the word. Contemporary books? Quite possibly another story. Seeing as this genre covers real-life events, no magical themes, I believe these type of books could be drug up entirely from personal influence. I am doing that myself, writing a contemporary book on things I've seen that have impacted me majorly. Most I'll write in this story will be based on real-life experiences, as opposed to fully relying on my imagination.

I think, given the right amount of creativity and imagination, no writer needs to know anything first-hand about what they write about. There's the internet, with accounts of things that they may need to know about to write their story. Of course, experience helps but I don't entirely think it's necessary.

So, generate any ideas you want, and don't feel like you have to be limited creatively just because you haven't known something. Imagine it, develop it, practice it in writing, or go out and find the knowledge first-hand to write, if it's what you want to do. Any idea is limitless taken in the right direction.

Books: READ, TBR, and RETELLINGS.

Currently Listening: Toy by Block B
Currently Reading: The Wrath and the Dawn by Renee Ahdieh.

Lately, I've found myself getting back into my usual reading habits again, so I've read quite a few things since last posting. I don't think I'd be good at book reviews (but I'm going to try at one point) so I'll keep them considerably shorter than a usual review but I do want to tell you all about books I've read.

BUT FIRST:

Sarah J. Maas fans! The ACOMAF excerpt!! Its actually amazing and I hate/love the questions already rising from that short opener. Its only making me even more excited for May, when we can all read the latest masterpiece from Sarah. And also, oh my gosh, EMPIRE OF STORMS!! Totally ready for the fifth TOG book in September😁😁 I could honestly go on about Sarah's writing and her books and everything of the sort but I know I'll just CRY from how much I love it all. All the excitement is too much to handle right now and the wait is too long! Bring on her new books.

BOOKS THAT I'VE RECENTLY READ:

THE SLEEPING PRINCE, Melinda Salisbury
FIREWALKER, Josephine Angelini
REBEL SPRINGS, Morgan Rhodes
THE SIREN, Kiera Cass
SPLINTERED, A.G. Howard
ELEANOR AND PARK, Rainbow Rowell (goodbye heart, seriously, this was a book that stomped all over me in the best way. I RECOMMEND IT A BILLION FOR CONTEMPORARY.)

BOOKS ON MY TBR SHELF/PRE-ORDERED:

GLASS SWORD, Victoria Aveyard
SNOW LIKE ASHES,
THE WINNERS KISS, Marie Rutkoski
I'LL GIVE YOU THE SUN, Jandy Nelson.

THE RAVEN KING, Maggie Stiefvater (Pre-ordered)
A COURT OF MIST AND FURY, Sarah J. Maas (Pre-ordered)

Now, that is a LOT of YA fantasy there, which I am so excited about as it's my favourite genre. But there's also a few mentions of retellings.

For one, THE SHADOW QUEEN, is an amazing Snow White retelling where Lorelai, the princesss believed to be dead by her poisonous stepmother, Irina, now on the throne, plans to fight back with her own particular magic. But during so, she has to suffer her own losses, control Sasha, her gyrfalcon (who is becoming one of my favourite YA fantasy animals, which I need to make a list on), and try to help the Draconi-king-turned-huntsman who is under Irina's spell to bring Lorelai's heart. As much as I love high fantasy, I think some of the magical events in this book is a little far-fetched but at the same time, it fits the type the magic is, bending wills to make anything do pretty much anything. But here, there's no limits at all and for me, some of it just seemed a little too out there even for good fantasy. However, I've really enjoyed the new take on Snow White.

SPLINTERED, is an Alice in Wonderland retelling, following Alyssa Gardener as she endures her mother's apparent insanity which has ensured her a place in an asylum, due to thinking that she is Alice from Lewis Carroll's books, claiming she can speak to the flowers and insects. This is all passed off as lunacy but as Alyssa delves deeper into her mother's words, she finds they're clues to get to Wonderful itself, where there has been a curse upon her family ever since the real Alice escaped. With the help of Romantic Interest #1, Jeb, Alyssa tries to solve the craziness of Wonderland, all the while, trying to figure out Romantic Interest #2, Morpheus (who is an amazingly written character, by the way; why doesn't everyone love him despite his slight creepiness at times?). SPLINTERED is part of a series I'm definitely interested in persuing and I'm currently waiting the lend the next book, UNHINGED, off my friend to read the next part to the story.

(I've just thought on that maybe I should have changed the post title to Books: Retellings and my TBR, it would make more sense as I didn't intend on talking about my love for retellings. BUT MOVING ON.)

A COURT OF MIST AND FURY isn't a book I've not read yet BUT it's eagerly on pre-order and I'm so impatient to read it as it's the second book in Sarah's Beauty and the Beast retelling.
A COURT OF THORNS AND ROSES is the first book in the series which I read last summer and got so many emotions from reading. I loved it more than I could possibly express without waving my arms wildly and looking pained and excited at the same time, a string of incoherent words leaving my mouth. But this is what Sarah J. Maas's books do to me; I adore them to the point of if nearly being impossible to properly talk about them. ANYWAY.
ACOTAR is the story of Feyre, a huntress who has come from riches but lost the family's wealth, and who has to learn to hunt in order to provide for her two sisters and disabled father, who's knee was shattered in the event of them losing everything they owned. When she kills a shape-shifter Fae in the woods, Tamlin, the High Lord of the Spring Court, basically knocks down her door, demanding her life in return for his killed friend. Thus starts Feyre's capture in the Fae realm under the amused, watchful eye of Lucien, Tamlin's friend, and lacking presence of Rhysand, the Lord of the Night Court. SOOOO many things happen in this book, so many plot twists and amazing dialogue and events and revelations. It's by far the best retelling I've ever read and the fact that it isn't just a standalone makes everything so much better because there's more of everything to utterly enjoy, and May is only next month but it seems agonizingly far away.

And also, I've been searching up other retellings and have found so many Peter Pan ones which I am DYING to read because Peter Pan is my one of my all-time favourite Disney films and any take on it, I know I'll love.

AND I have been avoiding FANGIRL by Rainbow Rowell because it's everywhere and I kind of felt I was being forced to notice it, but after reading ELEANOR AND PARK, I really like the author's style so I've ordered that to try out, alongside NIGHT OWLS, which I know nothing about. If anyone does, let me know! And I'd be glad for any recommendations people have based on the books I've mentioned here😁😁

Am I a Good Enough Writer?

Currently Reading: Blood Keeper by Tessa Gratton.
Currently Listening: Crazy by 4minute.

So if any of you are writers/artists/ and... Actually, screw that. We're all human, we all like to have something we excel at; we all Bad Days and Good Days; times when we look at ourselves and think we look particularly good or maybe bad. I get these sort of things. I choose to write and hope for a career in writing and sometimes I wonder why.

Why do I choose to stress myself out? To build up another world, create characters to bring that world to life? To do all of this when somebody more able to can? Because I love it, that's why. Because I know that I find it hard to go one day without writing something, even a paragraph of something. I have a few writing projects going on at the moment, (which is what this post was originally meant to be about but then ALL THIS came up) so if I feel one story isn't working for me at a certain time, I can switch to something to better suit my mind-set. Sometimes, I feel like it can help; other times, I feel like I'm just using multiple projects an excuse to not get on with the story I really want to make work.

I've entered competitions with my writing and felt confident. Afterwards, someone might read my piece - a friend, a classmate, a family member - and say something slightly opinionated and I'll spend the remaining competiton time in dull hope that dwindles. But that person calling my work bad, or not good enough, is not the person judging my competition piece. Yet, my thoughts linger on that negative comment, rather than think of another person's positive feedback. Thus starts that vicious cycle:

- not feeling good enough to make a career out of writing
- getting more agent rejections
- taking time out to reassess what I've written and see where I need to alter both that and my outlook on my work
- building up my confidence to say, "yes, I can write. I am a good writer."
- feeling good enough to show somebody and get that negative comment again.

This possibly makes me seem like I'm really insecure and can't take a single bad word about my writing. I can; and I listen to them, but even after I alter my work to those comments, I still think about them. I let them affect me more than they should and that puts an entire damper on my confidence in my literary skills. So I read more, try to take in more words, more ways to write things differently, explore more genres of writing and, of course, redraft my main project.

The thing is, I find it hard to remember the good things that have been said when I stare helplessly at my screen, seeing these pages of words that I feel are boring and dull and no good anymore. And I go to my friend and I complain to her and tell her how bad a writer I am and I'll admit, I get quite mopey and self-depreciating but that's what people do in self-doubt.

But the point of this is, that usually, yes, you are good enough. You just need to find a person who won't just shower you in praise, or dump a load of negative, lowering things about your writing. You just need to find the right agent that is passionate enough about what you send them. I should be thankful for the rejections - I wouldn't want a half-commited agent taking my novel further. I want the right one to tell me they feel strongly about helping me get published. I write, a lot. I read, a lot. And by surrounding myself in literary things and doing all the writing practice I can, I'm only bound to get stronger as a writer and more secure in the sense that I can make it. And so can anyone else who's in the same situation as me. The authors who already have books out, multiple series, they all went through this. The difference is, they stick it out long enough to get somewhere, and not be bombarded under all the less-than-kind things said.

I just felt like I had to say something because I woke up to another agent rejection this morning and am trying really hard to not be so affected by it. But it's my best friend's birthday today (The cool one I always talk about, Ellen) and I have to finish off her present, which, incidentally, is something writer-y.

That's all, (this got more sappy and personal and longer than I intended but heyho) for this post! 😌 Byeeeee