I know a lot of writers post about their own creative processes and how they cope with deadlines/life stresses, and lately I've been feeling my own life obstacles when it comes to writing, and needed to vent it out.
First, a mini timeline:
In 2017, I had no job despite my endless trying but I somehow had depthless bouts of creativity. Over the span of twelve months, I drafted and edited three full-length novels. I then drafted another two, leaving them be. I read a lot more; I had all the time in the world to let my mind run absolutely free, even though I very rarely left the depressive comfort of my bedroom. 2017 in every other way but creatively, was an awful year. But I got at least five varied manuscripts out of it.
In the summer of 2017, I got told, "I can't wait for you to get a job so writing goes back to just being a hobby." This was said by someone who knows how desperately I want to make a career out of writing novels, and so stuck painfully with me. And oh, how they are the damning words.
In December 2017, I finally got a job after twelve failed interviews. I worked only eight hours every weekend, and had the entire week to myself, to still craft and create. I wrote another manuscript over the course of December/January.
Going back to those damning words, I'm now working full, late shifts three/four days a week, and am finding my brain has such less room and energy for writing. I've been told that's what I need: a distraction from striving so hard, but it's not. It's more a hindrance. Since the beginning of February, when my hours were upped, I've toyed with five different novel ideas, wrote scraps of where they could go, who my characters would be, a loose premise, but once I sit down to write them, everything that I creatively had in 2017 evaporates. (See title, ha.) This is life, right? We have to work--work comes first; that's what is making my money right now. Not writing.
But here's the thing: throughout the god-awful 2017, writing was my crutch, my anchor. I depend on creatively venting. I depend on completing and editing manuscripts because I need to write to keep striving for that career I want. So as a writer who needs to write but can't? I am literally in mental turmoil. I participated in Pit Mad this year and received no requests, which was overwhelmingly disheartening at the time. I still have those polished manuscripts, which I'm querying with. I feel like I'm putting my all into striving and getting nothing back, which also drains me mentally.
I read a Twitter post this morning about how although writing is a great release, it's also quite bad for mental health. That's been proven personally to me time and time again. My mind is an array of open tabs, filled with half-formed premises that won't come alive on the page. I'm trying to edit other stories but currently I'm putting in so much mental effort with work and trying with that, and enduring so many failing expectations regarding pretty much everything, my brain just isn't connecting with my writing. I don't want to stop working; I feel lazy for cutting any hours I currently do to get that time back for what I love more than anything, and other than that, I don't know where to go. I didn't realise that getting a job meant trading in my biggest love in life. I don't know quite how to make it any other way; how to balance both. My job is mentally demanding, leaving little thought for anything else, even once I'm away from it.
A break is good for the brain, and I suppose that's what I'm getting, but I'm also increasingly frustrated by my lack of ability these days. Writing was always my escape, a place I could build and work on, and create somewhere better, and do something I'm passionate about. Now I've sort of lost that, and it's a struggle.
If anyone has any tips at all--anything that isn't walking, listening to music, self-care (because I've tried all of this), come find me on Twitter at @ShaneDReid and yell advice at me, please.
Sincerely,
A Lost Writer.
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