As an agoraphobic, Christmas can be daunting. Christmas markets, busy shops, needing to actually leave my house, shopping for presents, cards, and food. There is family to see (which I am actually okay with), there are friends to visit who want to make early festive dinners, as well as general festive activities.
So how do I cope? I stick on a smile, tell myself I'll disappoint others if I don't participate, and go to these things and hope I'll start enjoying myself. Honestly, I end up fairly enjoying myself. My social batteries become drained and charged over and over, which is a tiring process, but that's what happens when you force yourself to go out!
2018's Christmas has been a highly anticipated event in my brain. Since October, I convinced myself I would be better this year. I'd go to the Christmas markets, do clothes/present shopping properly, not fear those busy shops, I'd have lunch at the Cosy Club with my sister. But that's the thing about hindsight: you can plan all these great things because you don't have to face them yet. When that time comes, the anxiety creeps in, whispers in your mind that you can't do it because Whatifwhatifwhatif.
Last year, I celebrated Christmas with a job. I worked on Christmas Eve (complete with a festive jumper), and had Christmas Day off. This year, I don't have that since I quit and got myself away from a toxic work environment. Last year saw my family waiting on contact from someone after a massive bust-up (it never came). Christmas has always been a quiet, close affair in my house but somehow, with each year, it seems a little quieter. Still, my sister, the practical Christmas fairy, brightens the place up. My mum and I smile a little brighter for her sake until those smiles become more genuine. My grandad enjoys his food, his drink, and the company.
Between us all this year, we've kicked out friends, boyfriends, partners, family members, and gained some other special people, whether they're a person to show up, or a message on a phone. Christmas is the time where it truly shows who matters to us. It's who you remember cards for, remember to wrap gifts for, remember to pass on well-wishes for a good new year. Recently, I kind of lost a dear friend to me and I know I'll be thinking of her at Christmas and hope that one day, we can find our way back to a healthy friendship. I'll be thinking of a lot of people I've lost over the years, through different means, but mostly, I'll be focused on those who stay. Those who show their love without boundaries. Those who care and take the time for me.
I write this as I've just realised a present for a special person won't arrive; I've hastily bought last-minute gifts for my sister and Mum because I've had a complex this year that nothing I buy feels good enough to give. It's not enough. Tonight, I'll be assisting my family in the Big Food Shop, as well as buying finishing presents to complete various gifts.
And in three days, I'll wake up with my mum and sister on Christmas morning, spend a moment to wish everyone I've lost well in my mind, and then I need to focus on the present. Those there, those who want to be there. I may not have participated in any Christmas activities this year but at the end of the day, I have people who understand I don't always feel up to it. I can't always contemplate travelling into town, or walking around it. As I look into the looming 2019, all I wish for is to find my own courage and bravery once more. The courage to live a life I want, the bravery to find myself once more.
I'll be posting 1-2 more blogs before the year is up but for now, Merry Christmas to you all! I hope you all get what you wish out of the festive season this year.
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